After the tearful goodbye to Germany, 30 days have passed, and my genuine gratitude towards Germany still strongly remains. Surprisingly, life is really good so far here in the United States of America, a.k.a., the Land of Freedom. I wonder if we are merely fortunate or we became better at detecting the best in matters. Maybe, both.
The magic of this country is the power that can make one instantly believe that anything is possible. You can dream big and achieve big, and you wouldn’t mind working harder if it is to make impossible possible. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind, either. Yes, people DO compete here but that is the sign of the big dreamers and the hard workers. People here, including my own American husband, tell me, “Hey, this is America, you can do anything you want. What are you talking about?” And, such strong vibes make me capable of responding, “Watch me now. I will show you what I’ve got.”
I am really excited that my new full-time job in Washington DC will start in five days. I will meet new people and experience new things throughout the new chapter of my life. This is the place where I will be the better version of myself. Every encounter is your treasure. Once a door is open, it is much easier just to walk inside. You can worry later. There are so many doors open just for you. You will regret if you step back. Just walk in.
Approximately one more year remains in Germany. Most of the time, I try my very best not to think of the inevitable fact. I just let time pass by, focusing on the daily routines that do not seem to possess that much significance. But some cups of coffee and some train rides and some ordinary conversations later, the feeling of void that resembles heartbreak always ends up coming back. It is like the relationship that you are in that you know it is ending. Please don’t let me leave you.
Life can be funny indeed. I wonder how many of you are actually living the lives you dreamed of when you were ten years old. When I was ten, I was daydreaming that once I stepped out of Japan, the magical world filled with nothing but happiness awaited.
And the reality was dead wrong. To be honest, things could have been much easier if I stayed in Japan although it does not necessarily mean that could make me happier. I have lived in the United States, France and Portugal before my fate sent me to Germany. Five years ago, my life here started with zero German knowledge and zero friend. And five years later, the world became somewhat magical filled with a plenty of happiness. I wonder how the ten year-old me sees me now.
Germany already became my home and a big part of me, but again, I will have to let my fate decide where I am going next. I am not too hopeful because I am not ten anymore, but I have come to learn that it is up to me to make the world magical no matter where that is.
Today is one of the rare days I don’t have to work. I slowly sip a big mug of coffee for breakfast, reading random newspaper articles on the Internet in Japanese. I clean the bathroom, take some bio trash out and walk to the station to mail some documents off to my tax accountant’s office in northern Germany. I buy an amazing sandwich at the bakery of the station- the French bread filled with fresh Parmesan and rucola. I walk back home and start to cook some decent supper- homemade patty from scratch with the sauteed mushroom sauce, hoping it turns out to be so good and my husband loves it. I exercise for an hour in the backroom then plan what to teach tomorrow while I wait for him to come home from work. Does anything I do today somewhat make me be a good housewife? Or does he feel that way? Am I still a big part of his happiness?
And at the same time, I wonder why I am not in New York City right now, pursuing my MFA degree or working as a professional interpreter or something like that. And then again I think to myself how happy I am here in Germany. I wonder if I ever had different paths to take.
Here I confess: I can’t write.
For a long time, I do suffer.
Two mugs of coffee later, still a blank page on my iPad screen.
In my head, dead boring words.
Frustration growing- this ain’t me.
Work and responsibilities- emotions blocked by rationality.
Me- 31 years old.
Innocence reduced- so darn stable.
The background song: Ellie Goulding
Intuition, here I follow.
Still I confess: I can’t write.
I simply feel terrible. I launched this website last September with the countless amount of positive energy. I was so motivated to write. And I accomplished nothing I wanted last year. I was completely tied up with work and studying German and failed to invest time in this website.
However, despite all of those huge regrets, I want to express my sincere gratitude to all of the readers who devoted your precious time to read my works. It required me to have lots of courage to expose my writings to the eyes of the public, and your positive reactions certainly meant a lot to me.
Last year, I was too focused on the thought that I HAD TO write something creative all the time. But this year, I will treat this website more as the tool of communication, which is like the journals composed of random thoughts, addressed to be read by people. And, I may also post poems and short stories when I feel like doing so.
Hope you still stick around. Please feel free to talk to me through comments.
Again, thank you so much for reading.